Day 12

I walked in to work today and saw Self-Proclaimed Weird Girl vigorously stabbing herself in the ear with a pen. Self-Proclaimed Weird Girl turns around to me, the pen sticking out of her ear and explains that her ears had popped on the way to work and she is trying to un-pop them. Her ear is covered in blue pen ink.

Motivation is a popular topic with The Manager and Inappropriate Steve. Every day we are threatened with dismissal, in the same way that a teacher may threaten the naughty children at school with expulsion. The naughty children become skilled at not getting caught and the well behaved children become rebellious.

We are threatened with being kept behind late after work if we talk to each other, in a way that a dictator may try to control national communication.  

Psychochick@ doesn’t believe in rules and she doesn’t believe in working until 5pm. Sidekick agrees. During a talk from The Manager and Inappropriate Steve about respect in the work place, Psychochick@ and Sidekick discuss their holiday options for the summer.

‘Would you rather Marbella or Ibiza?’ asks Sidekick.

‘That’s like saying would I rather beach and cocktail bars or beach and clubbing at Space?’

‘Would you rather cocktails or sangria?’

Stubble head chips in, ‘Would you rather have pubes for teeth or teeth for pubes?’

‘Would you rather drink a glass of piss or lick a dirty bum hole?’ asks Psychochick@

Stubble Head and Psychochick@ grow louder. Inappropriate Steve moves within earshot.

‘Would you rather be handcuffed to a cat forever or eat a live cat? Remember that cats live less than humans.’

‘Have mini penises for fingers or mini fingers for a penis?’

‘Be in a fight with Luis Suarez or run through a swarm of bees unprotected?’

‘Give up oral sex or have a curfew of 6pm forever?’

 ‘Have an unshaveable monobrow or a bum so hairy that the hairs poke out of your trousers?’

‘Have 1 meter long nose hair or eat only boiled cauliflower for every meal for the rest of your life?’

‘Sneeze shit or cry tears of shit?’

‘Have a tennis racquet attached to your right arm forever or be dressed as a hotdog forever?’

‘Give a blow job to a homeless man or receive oral sex from a homeless dog?’

‘Turn into a slice of pizza when the sun shines or grow flamingo legs when the sun goes down?’

‘Have sex with your mum or with your dad?’ Stubble Head excitedly shouts.

The game ends. Psychochick@ and Sidekick are horrified.

 Inappropriate Steve is deep in thought. 

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Day 11

Sidekick Overheard 

Day 10

A group of us went to the nearest food court for lunch today. There was Edge Lane, Blondie, Air Hostess, Hairdresser with Bad Hair, Self-Proclaimed Weird Girl and myself.

Self-Proclaimed Weird Girl took it upon herself to entertain us with stories of her love life. What she achieved was self-alienation.

Blondie says she would never throw herself at a man. The group agreed that one night stands were not a sustainable philosophy when it comes to love. Self-Proclaimed Weird Girl nodded in agreement. Then her mouth opened and I’m no longer sure whether she had been nodding in agreement or trying to attract our attention. She tells us she once accompanied her friend on a date to provide moral support. While her friend wasn’t having a good time with her date, Self-Proclaimed Weird Girl was getting on extremely well with the date’s best friend. After a few hours of drinking wine and a few pints of jaeger bombs, the pub closes. The friend and her date, both disappointed with the other, go back to their respective houses. Self-Proclaimed Weird Girl and the date’s friend decide to keep the party going and head to a club, where more alcohol is consumed as if hangovers didn’t exist, until they both return to his house. The next day, Self-Proclaimed Weird Girl is abruptly awoken and thrown out of the date’s friend’s house. Confused, she rings her friend once outside. She is shocked to hear that she has just left the house of a married man. He is the husband of her friend’s aunty. The friend hangs up- they are no longer friends. I wonder to myself how it is that she can recount all the intricate details of the evening inside the house and not notice any indicators of another woman; dresses, heels, make up. I don’t say anything, I just carry on eating my sandwich.

Upon her story being met with an uncomfortable silence and an avoidance of eye contact, Self-Proclaimed Weird Girl senses that she is losing her audience. So, as any charismatic person would, she tells us how her friend is a slut who once had sex in a car with a Turkish man she barely knew. When it was her turn to have sex in the car, Self-Proclaimed Weird Girl assured us that the Turkish man she was with was her boyfriend and that she treasures those 4 days they spent together drinking lager in the sun. 

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