Day 2

Before I entered the building this morning, I already had an ideal in my mind of how the first few moments would go. I was early, so I had anticipated to get to the classroom, probably among the first there and score a seat far away from Psychochick@.

Due to traffic, I arrived only 8 minutes early. I was still hopeful,  assuming that petty criminals run late. I walk in and bump into a couple of people from my group coming out of the canteen. It was perfect timing. These people happened to be my 'chosen' group. In my ideal scenario of the day, I would sit next to them and we would become friends, creating a safe distance both geographically and socially from Psychochick@. They are a fairly quiet group, not the ideal bumper when fronting a psychopath, but I figured that my personal safety was less at risk in a group. Plus, I found out yesterday that one of them had a degree in English Literature, so I had factored in reasonable conversations, perhaps even broaching a conversation about books, into my ideal of the day.

We walk into the classroom together and I found that petty criminals are not late and they do not like change. Everyone was sat in the same seats as yesterday, including Psychochick@ and her Side kick (who had BLACK lines on her face from where she had used a fake tan that was just a few hues too dark for her skin, which I can only guess is an English rose complexion).

My day ideal was not going well. But at least a small part was salvaged by Old Woman who kept her seat in between me and Psychochick@. It seems that Old Woman wasn't as nervous today- she got up to look out of the window only once. Either that or she'd taken a larger dose of sedatives this morning.

We started the morning with an ice breaker quiz about entertainment television. We were in our table groups. I'm with Old Crazy Woman, Psychochick@, Sidekick and Professional Boy. We discover that none of us watch television. This angers Psychochick@.  'This quiz is fucking shit', she tells The Manager. He doesn't have time to react, a fight has broken out on the other side of the room because someone cheated using their phone. Bodies are on the floor and furniture is in the air. The ice has broken. With what feels like sharp shards of ice slicing into my eyes. That was the team bonding exercise of the morning.

We lost the quiz.

You may be thinking that at this moment, it wouldn't be considered a bad idea to walk out of the building and go home, given that personal safety is always a priority. I  decided to stay because my ideal for the day had been given a second chance. At 3 o'clock we were to go to floor 5, where we would merge groups for a 2 hour session.

3 o'clock came and I walked up to floor 5 with my chosen group and we sat down. We were talking and laughing. It felt heavenly. Team bonding exercise was the agenda for the afternoon. The other group's manager arrives, dissecting the group into A, B, A, B. The two girls from either side of me get up and join group B on the other side of the room. I'm left with just 2 of my chosen friends. The Manager returns and asks them to join group B to balance the group numbers. That's fine, I thought, a chance to meet new people. Then come in Psychochick@ and Sidekick, late from their cigarette break. They sit one on either side of me. I’m surrounded by a cloud stale smoke, fake tan and bad personality.

I remember a scene in the Lion King where the evil, laughing hyenas go hunting in the warthog pack, looking for the runt to attack. Today I felt like I was the runt. Maybe it was Sidekick's black patches on her face making it resemble the furry face of a burnt hyena.

In line with the rough school aspect of the company culture, people were picked at random to read out paragraphs of a text about ‘Avoiding discrimination and abuse over the phone’ from the booklet that we were all given. 'I fuckin hate people who don't read', Psychochick directs a slice of abuse at myself for previously requesting not to read out our team's poster that morning on the basis of me having a cold and sounding as if my nose has melted into my throat. A man from the other side of the room is picked to read. The room is big and Psychochick@ gets angry because she can't hear properly and doesn't have the mental energy to read the paragraph in her booklet on the table in front of her.

A range of verbal abuse flies out of Psychochick@ and Sidekick towards Quiet Reader, probably Shy Reader. Probably feeling Very Uncomfortable Right Now Reader.

People look in disbelief. I am sat between the two of them. To the strangers around me, I am one of them. They think I am a hyena and I have no idea what I can do to show them that really I'm just a warthog. The Manager demands that the three of us leave the room. In spite of my objections and those around me protesting that I didn't utter a word, I am being fired on my second day.

To try and recuperate any sense of employment, I wait by the door hoping that The Manager will see me and come over. I have planned a speech to argue my innocence. Psychochick@ and Sidekick decide to wait there with me. For 40 minutes. They have shit all over my ideal plan for day. And then sidekick rubbed it into her face. Poo face. I have resigned myself to the fact that I CAN NOT GET AWAY FROM PSYCHOCHICK@. 

In the end I wasn't fired, but neither was Psychochick@ or Sidekick.

Day 3 begins in 9 hours.





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